Music in my ears

Why is it that I only listen to the sad songs when they have the power to make me even sadder?

Space

Space occupies room of different sizes. Space is surrounded. Space in itself should be hollow, empty, defined by nothing in it and something around it.

Then why does this space in me hurt so much? Why does it make me cry? Why does it feel bigger than I am? Why does it feel more than I can handle?

Meanwhile, in my heart...

... there is an abundance of feelings on a rollercoaster.

I have never felt this before. Being complete. Having found my other half. Having found a soulmate. Being totally in tune with someone. Enjoying silence. Being defined by time apart.

He is filling a hole in me that I didn't know existed. He ticks ALL the boxes. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. He makes me strive to be a better person, a better version of ME. He is unique.

I feel I am the most ME with him than I have ever been before. I tell him everything. I have not once lied to him. I laugh more when being with him. I want to explore, understand, feel, experience, live, laugh, love with him.

But he cannot be mine.

Relapse

It feels like a relapse. Anything could have triggered it. I heard a lot of songs the last days that seem to have been written about me. About us. The lyrics went straight into my heart and the pain was overwhelming. The pictures on his blog make me think what he could be if he wanted to. They remind me of what I like (d?) about him. But they also remind me that he didn't want to be that neither for nor with me.

Now was too soon.

Overwhelming

Someone pulled my ribs apart, but instead of pulling my heart out, he kissed my soul.

How soon is now? - Is now too soon?

So many things have changed. So many things have happened. I have had more life experiences in the last 9 weeks than in the 9 months before.

9 weeks ago, I thought I'd never be happy again in my life.
Now, I am happy. Again. More than ever. Because of me, my story, my way, my decisions, my realisations, my epiphany. I am happy with myself.

I will be fine.

Because that is who I am. I can deal with things. I can concentrate on my power when I need it. I find my strength.

Still, I am a bit cautious. I often don't trust myself; I often don't trust my decisions. It seems to me that this happened so soon. Too soon. Am I lying to myself? Do I just want to be fine, but deep inside I am not yet? How can I know? Does anybody ever know? Is anybody ever 'fine'?

Is 9 weeks after the end of a relationship with someone who I regarded as the Love Of My Life too soon?

What does it tell about the relationship? What does it tell about me? Was I in love because I wanted to be in love? Am I out of love because I want to be?

I want to get on with life, my life.. Now needs to be soon and soon needs to be now.



I can force it

This has to go away...