Meanwhile, in my heart...

... there is an abundance of feelings on a rollercoaster.

I have never felt this before. Being complete. Having found my other half. Having found a soulmate. Being totally in tune with someone. Enjoying silence. Being defined by time apart.

He is filling a hole in me that I didn't know existed. He ticks ALL the boxes. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. He makes me strive to be a better person, a better version of ME. He is unique.

I feel I am the most ME with him than I have ever been before. I tell him everything. I have not once lied to him. I laugh more when being with him. I want to explore, understand, feel, experience, live, laugh, love with him.

But he cannot be mine.

Relapse

It feels like a relapse. Anything could have triggered it. I heard a lot of songs the last days that seem to have been written about me. About us. The lyrics went straight into my heart and the pain was overwhelming. The pictures on his blog make me think what he could be if he wanted to. They remind me of what I like (d?) about him. But they also remind me that he didn't want to be that neither for nor with me.

Now was too soon.

Overwhelming

Someone pulled my ribs apart, but instead of pulling my heart out, he kissed my soul.

How soon is now? - Is now too soon?

So many things have changed. So many things have happened. I have had more life experiences in the last 9 weeks than in the 9 months before.

9 weeks ago, I thought I'd never be happy again in my life.
Now, I am happy. Again. More than ever. Because of me, my story, my way, my decisions, my realisations, my epiphany. I am happy with myself.

I will be fine.

Because that is who I am. I can deal with things. I can concentrate on my power when I need it. I find my strength.

Still, I am a bit cautious. I often don't trust myself; I often don't trust my decisions. It seems to me that this happened so soon. Too soon. Am I lying to myself? Do I just want to be fine, but deep inside I am not yet? How can I know? Does anybody ever know? Is anybody ever 'fine'?

Is 9 weeks after the end of a relationship with someone who I regarded as the Love Of My Life too soon?

What does it tell about the relationship? What does it tell about me? Was I in love because I wanted to be in love? Am I out of love because I want to be?

I want to get on with life, my life.. Now needs to be soon and soon needs to be now.



I can force it

This has to go away...

Feelings

I want a switch just like this...

The little things...

It's the little things that I miss most and it is also the little things that I fear most.

I did some filing today and happened to come across a hotel bill where we had checked in as "Mr and Mrs XX". I started crying. I long for so many things and I miss what my life with him made MY life WITH him.

I miss his touch.
I miss his breath on my skin.
I miss the softness of his lips.
I miss his smile.
I miss the sparkle in his eyes.
I miss the feeling of coming "home" that I had when I saw him after work.

I fear stumbling over his name on every second document from the last 5 years.
I fear having to see his name popping up in Skype and not being able to talk to him.
I fear seeing him with someone else.
I fear deleting his name from my contacts.
I fear that he forgets to delete me as emergency contact.
I fear forgetting how he smells.

Every step in my life is just a reaction to what is happening to me at the moment. I don't plan. I am walking round, somehow, but he has killed me.

The silver lining

Too many feelings overcome me on a daily basis. My mind doesn't know where to stop; my brain is engaged all the time. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I am forcing the life out of my body. I can't focus. How did I end up here?

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Tried again. Failed again. Failed worse.

I always had certain dreams about how my life would be "later". Where I was. What I was. Whom I was with. I cherished these dreams, hopes, designs of my future. But at the moment, "life" feels like something that just does not happen to me. I stand still, do not move, do not improve, do not go on, do not develop. I just am. This disturbs me. This is not what I wanted to be. The present is the opposite to what I wanted.

I am alone. When it happened before, it did not bother me. But this time it was not my choice. Now it feels like someone drenches the will to live out of me like water out of a sponge. I still cannot believe this is happening to me. It feels unreal, like a bad dream. But when I wake up, the reality is worse.

I need to
Overcome the darkness
Regain my power
Focus on my strengths

I want to be someone who sees the silver lining.