I want a switch just like this...
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Sunday, 3 April 2011
The little things...
It's the little things that I miss most and it is also the little things that I fear most.
I did some filing today and happened to come across a hotel bill where we had checked in as "Mr and Mrs XX". I started crying. I long for so many things and I miss what my life with him made MY life WITH him.
I miss his touch.
I miss his breath on my skin.
I miss the softness of his lips.
I miss his smile.
I miss the sparkle in his eyes.
I miss the feeling of coming "home" that I had when I saw him after work.
I fear stumbling over his name on every second document from the last 5 years.
I fear having to see his name popping up in Skype and not being able to talk to him.
I fear seeing him with someone else.
I fear deleting his name from my contacts.
I fear that he forgets to delete me as emergency contact.
I fear forgetting how he smells.
Every step in my life is just a reaction to what is happening to me at the moment. I don't plan. I am walking round, somehow, but he has killed me.
I did some filing today and happened to come across a hotel bill where we had checked in as "Mr and Mrs XX". I started crying. I long for so many things and I miss what my life with him made MY life WITH him.
I miss his touch.
I miss his breath on my skin.
I miss the softness of his lips.
I miss his smile.
I miss the sparkle in his eyes.
I miss the feeling of coming "home" that I had when I saw him after work.
I fear stumbling over his name on every second document from the last 5 years.
I fear having to see his name popping up in Skype and not being able to talk to him.
I fear seeing him with someone else.
I fear deleting his name from my contacts.
I fear that he forgets to delete me as emergency contact.
I fear forgetting how he smells.
Every step in my life is just a reaction to what is happening to me at the moment. I don't plan. I am walking round, somehow, but he has killed me.
Saturday, 26 March 2011
The silver lining
Too many feelings overcome me on a daily basis. My mind doesn't know where to stop; my brain is engaged all the time. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I am forcing the life out of my body. I can't focus. How did I end up here?
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Tried again. Failed again. Failed worse.
I always had certain dreams about how my life would be "later". Where I was. What I was. Whom I was with. I cherished these dreams, hopes, designs of my future. But at the moment, "life" feels like something that just does not happen to me. I stand still, do not move, do not improve, do not go on, do not develop. I just am. This disturbs me. This is not what I wanted to be. The present is the opposite to what I wanted.
I am alone. When it happened before, it did not bother me. But this time it was not my choice. Now it feels like someone drenches the will to live out of me like water out of a sponge. I still cannot believe this is happening to me. It feels unreal, like a bad dream. But when I wake up, the reality is worse.
I need to
Overcome the darkness
Regain my power
Focus on my strengths
I want to be someone who sees the silver lining.
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Tried again. Failed again. Failed worse.
I always had certain dreams about how my life would be "later". Where I was. What I was. Whom I was with. I cherished these dreams, hopes, designs of my future. But at the moment, "life" feels like something that just does not happen to me. I stand still, do not move, do not improve, do not go on, do not develop. I just am. This disturbs me. This is not what I wanted to be. The present is the opposite to what I wanted.
I am alone. When it happened before, it did not bother me. But this time it was not my choice. Now it feels like someone drenches the will to live out of me like water out of a sponge. I still cannot believe this is happening to me. It feels unreal, like a bad dream. But when I wake up, the reality is worse.
I need to
Overcome the darkness
Regain my power
Focus on my strengths
I want to be someone who sees the silver lining.
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